I know that you might not always agree with my parenting I ask that if you disagree with me, please bring that up with me in private instead of telling me that I’m wrong in front of Leah, or telling her that you think my rules are silly.” I’m concerned about the lesson she is learning if you continue to clean her room for her. (It is most helpful if the parent addresses this with their own parents if possible.) You might say, for example, “I am trying to teach Leah the importance of picking up after herself and how to be responsible for cleaning her room. We recommend talking with the grandparents in private, not in front of your child, about the goals you are trying to achieve with your child, and how they can help you achieve those goals. There are also situations where grandparents will “rescue” and do a child’s chore or homework for him or her so that the child doesn’t have to experience the consequence for not getting it done. What about when your child’s grandparents disagree with your parenting, and argue with you in front of your child, or actively help your child avoid consequences? We receive comments through our parent coaching service about grandparents constantly telling parents that they are handling a situation the wrong way, or grandparents telling a child that Mom or Dad is wrong about something. You can watch TV after dinner if your homework is done.” For example, you might say, “I know that Grammy lets you watch TV before dinner at her house in our house, it’s your job to set the table before dinner. We recommend stating your rules in an objective manner, neither apologizing for them nor putting down the rules at their grandparents’ house. It’s helpful to keep in mind what James Lehman calls “ the culture of accountability” - namely, the behavior that you expect from your child, and how they can expect to be rewarded or held accountable for their behavior choices while they are in your home. You cannot control what happens when your child is with their grandparents you do have control over your own house rules. Many grandparents relish this role of being able to “do all the fun stuff and then send them home.” It can be difficult as a parent to rein in this free-spirited attitude when your child is home with rules and limits once again! As my own mother put it when my siblings and I started having children of our own, “Being a grandparent is the reward for all those tough years of parenting!” In our society, grandparents are expected to be gentle and soft-hearted, with a generous dose of spoiling as well. The role of grandparent is one that is treasured and eagerly awaited by many. What happens, though, when the opposite happens –when grandparents or other relatives try to negate or undermine the limits you set on your child? Do you have a well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) relative who constantly undermines your parenting? I wrote a blog about grandparents, and the positive role that they can play in your child’s life.
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